so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
