I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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