Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
3 2 1 whiskey
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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