So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
