You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
