Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
