??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
