I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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