I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
