Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
