So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
