Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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