420 ftw
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize