today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
