so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
