Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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