So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize