no, he came in my armpit
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
