Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My cat gives me a boner
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Randomize
