Your mouth is God's brothel.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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