my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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