If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
