dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
