My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
