SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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