my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
