cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
