Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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