she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Randomize
