Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
