I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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