The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
