Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
