Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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