I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
