If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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