I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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