Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
