Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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