i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
