Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Randomize
