I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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