I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
