If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize