dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
