I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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