I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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