Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
