how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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