White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
