just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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