today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
