Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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