Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
They are going to name an STD after you.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
