you're like a bully in the Christmas story
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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