So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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