I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
