Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
