The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
