"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
