I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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