every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No subtext here. People are naked.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
